


look at you go, I just adore you

by YeahIdontknow0



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Author wants readers to take care of themselves, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, M/M, Ok enjoy bye bye, The title is the only thing related to Steven Universe sorry, eventually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:27:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26504368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YeahIdontknow0/pseuds/YeahIdontknow0
Summary: In hindsight, it was so obvious. They loved each other. Sensible, too. Logic, creativity, and the heart, together. As they should be.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton, LAMP - Relationship
Comments: 16
Kudos: 72





	1. I always thought I might be bad

**Author's Note:**

> Hi I hope you like this and I might be bad at updating but more kudos and more comments equals more updates and also a very happy person
> 
> (Also this is kind of more of an intro than a first chapter)

_I always thought I might be bad_

_Now I’m sure that it’s true_

‘Cause I think you’re so good

_And I’m nothing like you_

_Look at you go_

_I just adore you_

_I wish that I knew_

_What makes you think I’m so special_

* * *

Virgil has been watching them for a long time. Admittedly, it took him a while to notice, but eventually he began to see it. The way they smiled at each other a little bit too softly for just friends; how their fingers brushed every time they walked next to each other; the fondness in their tones when speaking to or about each other. Sometimes, if he looked closely, he could see them holding hands in between the couch cushions.

* * *

In hindsight, it was so obvious. They loved each other. Sensible, too. Logic, creativity, and the heart, together. As they should be.

* * *

And as Virgil noticed their poorly hidden relationship, he realized that _he_ was the only reason they were trying to hide it in the first place. Before anxiety showed up, they were probably cuddling on the couch all the time and playing footsie under the table without having to worry about touching him.

So Virgil tried to keep his distance. He tried to stay away from them, away from their love. And he called it selfless, because he was giving them space and happiness by being gone, but a part of Virgil knew that he did it for himself. It always hurt to be around them while they were so happy together, and yeah, there was a different pain from never seeing them, but it was better, because at least he stopped hoping there was room for him.

* * *

(He never stopped hoping, but it was easier to ignore how he felt when he didn't have to see how beautiful they were all the time.)

* * *

But then they pulled him back. Because suddenly Anxiety had a name now and a voice. He was important and needed and they called on him to help plan videos and even outings sometimes. And Virgil knew he should push them away again. Yell at them or make them mad or exhaust them so they would have no choice but to let him leave, but it was so nice, to maybe be apart of something, even if he wasn’t apart of the way Patton licked cookie batter off Roman’s nose when he thought Virgil wasn’t looking or the way Roman and Logan danced with each other in the living room at night when they thought Virgil had gone to bed or how Logan rubbed both Roman’s and Patton’s thighs during movie nights when they all thought Virgil had fallen asleep.

And that was fine. He was fine with that. They were giving him more than he deserved already, he shouldn’t want more. He shouldn’t want them so badly.

Virgil could deal with this kind of pain. Really.

And then everything changed.


	2. Now I'm sure that it's true

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil blushes a lot. also In Summer by Olaf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've noticed that I'm prone to impulsively posting a chapter and then editing it later to make it better so here's a warning that miscellaneous things like correct grammar and good sentence structure will be added multiple times in the future
> 
> Please enjoy! 💓

It started with Patton.

* * *

Virgil usually woke up much earlier or much later than the other sides, depending on his inconsistently hazardous sleep schedule. Today, he woke up at 3am and tried to go back to sleep for thirty minutes before eventually making his way to the kitchen. He made himself a cup of tea and drank it while sitting in the middle of the kitchen counter and staring into space. Virgil was the type of exhausted where he knew he wouldn’t be getting sleep anytime soon, but he couldn’t dredge up the energy to be productive, or even to be anxious about anything. Everybody always forgets that anxiety and depression go hand in hand, and what a coincidence that Virgil often embodies both of them. 

He must have sat there for hours, because when he came back to himself, Patton was quietly humming and digging through the fridge. It startled Virgil so much that he spilled however much tea was left in his cup all over his lap. Luckily, it was nowhere near warm, but soaked pajama pants were still uncomfortable. Virgil must have made some kind of noise because Patton turned around. 

“Oh, no!” He rushed over to Virgil and gently took the now-emptily mug from his hands. When their eyes met, Virgil thought he might go blind from the amount of kindness in Patton’s eyes and smile. “Go get changed, Virge. I’ll clean up the counter.”

“No, no,” Virgil blurted as hell watched Patton set the mug in the sink and get a wet paper towel. “I-This is my mess. You shouldn’t be cleaning up after me. Let me—“ Virgil slowly dropped off the counter, trying not to let his face show how disgusting he felt as the tea soaked into his pants and boxers. 

He reached for the paper towel in Patton’s hand but Pat hopped out of reach and made a _tsk_ sound. “Nuh-uh. You can help out with breakfast when you come back down, but I will not allow you to walk around with soaked pajama pants. Not in my kitchen, no sir!”

Virgil watched as Patton began to wipe down the counter, knowing that there was no way Patton would allow him to do anything before he changed. So two minutes later he came back down with his backup Nightmare Before Christmas pajama pants and started cooking the bacon as Patton made the pancakes. 

Cooking with Patton was nice. Virgil was able to zone out and focus on watching the bacon and hearing it sizzle (which was surprisingly cathartic) while Patton hummed Disney songs or random notes while dancing around the kitchen yet still managing to flip the pancakes at the perfect time. Sometimes Virgil relaxed so much that he started to hum along. 

And today was one of these days, as Virgil found himself humming along with Patton to a Frozen song—not Let It Go, surprisingly. Olaf’s summer song, actually, which Virgil could appreciate since Olaf reminded him of Patton’s cheerfulness and caretaker tendencies (and, sometimes, his naïveté). 

Patton smiled at Virgil from across the room, silently acknowledging his humming, and Virgil blushed. Then Patton held up a rubber spatula coated with pancake batter and began to sing, “Bees'll buuuuuzzz! Kids’ll blow dandelion fuzz...and I'll be doing whatever snow does in suuuuumer!”

Patton’s singing voice was beautiful. All the right tones of playfulness and perfect pitch. It didn’t help that he was staring right into Virgil’s eyes. He also started to move closer, slowly dancing his way towards Virgil as he continued, “A drink in my hand, my snow up against the burning sand! Probably getting gorgeously tanned…. in suuuummer!”

And now Patton was picking up Virgil’s hand and trying to dance with him, to little success. But he put the tongs he was using to cook the bacon on the table and probably smiled to wide to deter Patton as he kept going, “I'll finally see a summer breeze, blow away a winter storm! And find out what happens to solid water when it gets waaaaaarm!”

And then Virgil summoned up every tiny bit of courage in his small, frail body, and, in a very quiet voice with as perfect pitch as possible, he whisper-sang, “And I can't wait to see. What my buddies all think of me...Just imagine how much cooler I'll be in summer.”

And Patton’s responding smile made it worth all the anxiety. Patton’s smile was worth everything. So they sang together, “The hot and the cold are both so intense...Put 'em together it just makes sense.” Patton held up the spatula and Virgil leaned in so they could both sing into it. “Winter's a good time to stay in and cuddle. But put me in summer and I'll be a —“

They giggled here, like two little kids, before blurting, “Happy snowman!” And then they were laughing too hard to even finish the song. Laughing at their ridiculousness, their silliness, their childishness. And for almost a minute, Virgil forgot who he was, and who he was supposed to be. Then Patton bopped Virgil on the nose with the spatula, leaving an uneven ball of pancake batter resting precariously on his nose, and they laughed even harder, for no reason at all. 

Suddenly, Patton reached up and held both sides of Virgil’s face, and before he could do more than feel his breath hitch, Patton’s mouth was on his….Nose. On the tip of his nose. Patton was… kissing the pancake batter off of his nose. And Virgil’s heart was beating so hard that he was sure Patton could hear it. 

Then Patton pulled back, and seemed to realize what he did, and opened his mouth to say something (probably “that was a mistake” or “i thought you were someone else” or “get out of my sight” or…) when they were interrupted by the sound of someone coming down the steps. And with sound came smell, and they realized, at the exact same time, that they’d forgotten about breakfast. 

Virgil ran to turn off the stove and throw out the bacon. He tried not to think about what just happened or how he felt about it. Instead, after confirming that nothing was in danger of burning, he ran. Up the steps, past a confused Logan, and into his room. He locked the door, put on his headphones, got under the covers, and resolved to forget what Patton had done and how he’d wished it lasted longer. He’d forget how fast his heart was beating when Patton smiled at him. He’d forget how Patton’s lips felt on his skin. He’d forget how beautiful Patton is. He’d forget how much he wanted them. Forget, forget, forget. Virgil would forget and everything would stay the same. 

  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


(Spoiler alert: Virgil didn’t forget.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy hope you liked it and if so please leave a comment or kudos because I will be sooooo happy :)
> 
> Ok byeee


	3. 'Cause I think you're so good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> beep beep boop boop ahhhhhhhhh i wrote this after crying two times within 10 minutes so here

  
  


Virgil stayed in his room for a week. 

Seven days full of sulking, depressing thoughts, buzzing anxiety, and general shitiness. There was a phantom pain in his stomach from a lack of food, his greasy hair stuck to his forehead, and everything was starting to stink. 

Those seven days were limited to staring at the ceiling, having nightmares about being alone, the occasional slurp of water from the bathroom faucet, and crying into his pillow like a fucking baby. No showers, no food, no physical contact. Over the course of those seven days, one of the sides would knock on his door and ask if he wanted food or water or even company. He always said no, regardless of how much he wanted to go downstairs and hug them and eat breakfast with them and see them smile. 

  
  


But that was the problem. In this state, Virgil knew he would end up doing something stupid like telling them how lonely he was or asking for a hug, so he stayed inside. And cried. And cried and cried and cried. 

  
  


At the end of the week, Virgil took a shower and went down to the kitchen. It was five in the morning and no one was there, but Patton would be down at seven to make breakfast. Virgil decided to make it himself. An apology breakfast, he reasoned, to make up for worrying them. He made large pancakes with syrup and sugar, healthy fruit (so Logan would’t give them a lecture on nutrition), perfectly crispy bacon, and even a small quiche. At exactly 7:00 am on the dot, Virgil plated the food and set it out on the dining table. And then he waited. 

  
  
  
  
  


Patton came down first, five minutes after seven, and the look on his face when he saw Virgil almost made him break down sobbing. Patton did start crying when he realized that Virgil had made breakfast. “I missed you, kiddo!” Patton ruffled his hair, and Virgil's eyes definitely did not tear up. 

Soon Logan walked downstairs, “I’m glad you are feeling better, Virgil. Thank you for breakfast.” Which, objectively, didn't seem like a big deal, but those words were practically the equivalent of a bear hug from Logan. 

Roman came down last, running down the stairs, and immediately yelling, “Virgil! You're here!” picking Virgil up and spinning him around, setting him down abruptly, and gorging himself on the food before Virgil could even blink. 

It was great. It was so amazing. 

Everything was back to normal. 

  
  


____

  
  


Today was Friday, proclaimed movie night by both Roman and Patton. They all agreed on The Nightmare Before Christmas since it satisfied Virgil's “spooky vibes” (as Patton called them), Roman’s musical nature, Patton's constant holiday spirit, and Logan's desire to watch as the characters unknowingly critiqued the philosophy and purpose of annual celebrations as well as discovered the cultural differences between two sets of geographically as well as historically different communities. Whatever that meant. 

Logan was on the far left of the couch, Virgil next to him, while Patton and Roman arranged pillows and blankets on the floor and cuddled. Virgil reminded himself that without him, this would be a date. But he resolved not to dwell on those thoughts as he stiffly curled into himself on the couch, pulling his knees to his chest. 

  
  


Halfway through the movie, Roman and Patton were asleep on the floor, completely entangled with each other. Logan was awake, reading on his kindle (which he’d summoned immediately after the opening credits) as the movie continued to play. Virgil watched the characters on screen as he felt his eyelids growing heavier. It was when he let his eyes finally fall shut that something changed.

  
  
  


Logan’s right hand was on his knee. 

Virgil was sitting cross-legged, his left knee closest to Logan, and the hand on top of it burning into his heart like an emotional brand. He could hear his heart rate increase and his breathing get faster as he was overwhelmed with anticipation and excitement and anxiety and distress all at once. Virgil risked a glance at Logan, who was still reading, obviously invested in his book, with no apparent sign that he knew where his right hand even was. Virgil tried to ignore it too, boring holes into the T.V. screen as if looking hard enough would help him actually pay attention. All he could focus on was the feeling of Logan’s hand against his knee and the two sides right below them. 

For a while (seconds, minutes, hours, an eternity-- Virgil couldn’t tell) he remained stock still, trying to stop himself from hyperventilating. Then Logan’s thumb began to trace circles on his knee. And he made a noise. A fucking noise.

It wasn’t on purpose or something Virgil even registered as a product of his own vocal cords at first. It just slipped out-- a little squeaky, distressed sound-- and it permeated the noise of the movie like knife through melted butter. Logan looked up then, and Virgil had no idea what to do except flee. But Patton and Roman were by his feet, blocking his escape path, and Logan’s gaze kept him frozen in place. 

“Virgil.”

His breath hitched in his throat. “Yes?”

“The movie has ended.”

Oh.

“Would you like to retire to bed?”

No, he wanted to stay with Logan and keep him from ever moving his hand.

“Or would you be amenable to eating dessert with me in the kitchen?”

It would be suspicious if he said no, Virgil reasoned. It had nothing to do with wanting to spend more time with Logan. Nothing at all. 

“Yeah, um, I mean. I would like that.”

Virgil almost cried as Logan took his hand from Virgil’s knee. He almost cried again when Logan stood up, stepped around Roman and Patton, and gently took Virgil’s hand to help him over the pile of sides and pillows. The skin-on-skin contact was nearly intoxicating. 

Soon Virgil was sitting on the kitchen island (trying not to think about the last time he was here, spilling cold tea all over himself) eating the last of the vanilla ice cream straight from the counter while Logan indulged in a box of elegant chocolate truffles. Virgil tried not to wonder if one of the other sides had bought it for him. (He failed, obviously.)

But the silence between them was calming, and the ice cream was smooth and delicious, and Virgil found himself drifting a little, as exhaustion began to catch up to him. He almost didn’t notice as Logan put away his chocolates and took away Virgil’s empty ice cream carton and spoon. He did notice when Logan held his hand again to walk him up the stairs and to his bedroom. 

“Goodnight, Virgil.”

“Night, Lo Lo.”

Yeah, he was definitely exhausted. 

But Logan was smiling at him, and maybe it was a trick of the light, but Virgil thought it seemed almost… fond. Fondness for Virgil. 

Then Virgil scoffed at himself because no one could be fond of Anxiety, least of all Logic. He went inside his room and closed the door right in Logan’s face. He waited until he heard the sound of Logan’s footsteps walking away, and sank to the floor. Leaning against the door, he smiled because tonight was a nice night. And Logan touched him. Logan touched him. And then he cried because he knew it would never happen again. It could never happen again. Virgil wasn’t allowed to have a good night. He wasn’t allowed to be touched. 

  
  


And he definitely wasn’t allowed to fall in love. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos??? comment???? pwease. im affection deprived. anyway i hope you liked it :p

**Author's Note:**

> The title and preface thing were based off of a Steven Universe song but when I think of it I don't think of the original I think of a cover by two guys. I'll get back to you when I remember their names. Hope you likes the first chapter. Bye bye ❤


End file.
